Dear 20-something girls in Barcelona:

Hello there girls, you all don’t know me but I see you every day. In fact I see a little too much of all of you. because, well, it seems you are forgetting to put you skirt on before you leave the house.  Your stylish sweater, fancy leather jacket, scarf, and sometimes even a sassy hat all look great together. And the leggings too, the leggings would be perfect – if you wore them as leggings.

You see, those leggings, they are not pants. They are meant to be worn with something over them. It doesn’t matter if you pair them with a knee or even thigh high pair of boots, we aren’t looking at your legs. See, those leggings, they are slightly sheer.  So when I, and every student in the classroom or stranger on the street you traipse past turns their head to look at you, it isn’t because we all think you are especially cute or fancy. It’s because the glow of your white butt cheek is shining right through those “pants”.  It’s especially disturbing to all of us on the Metro when you are standing and we are seated, so said ass cheek is right at eye level. And sometimes that cheek is less than smooth. It’s disturbing.

Your friends would all be fired, except they are guilty of the same crime.

Also, not sure if you noticed, but even if your leggings are black, we can see all the details (shape, size, pattern, color, lace, bows…) of the underwear you are wearing, or if you are going commando. So,just a friendly word of advice- next time you wear your “pants” with no underwear and a short sweater, you may want to a get a wax first. Just sayin’.

Thanks for not taxing anyone’s imagination,
Me

Dear Wealthy Aging Spanish Ladies,

I know that cosmetic surgery is a rite of passage for you all after your children are out of the house and your seasonal wardrobes have been perfected.  You have the money and the time and want to take care of  yourselves, and I appreciate that. Hell, I often marvel at how perfectly coiffed your hair is at any given time of the day, how well fitting and beige and identical your autumn wardrobes are, and how your make up always looks freshly applied. You want to try to retain your youth and beauty and that is your right – I don’t fault you for that at all. In fact I applaud you.

But the fact that I know cosmetic surgery is popular among you gals should be the first red flag. You see, good plastic surgery is supposed to enhance you. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I see the ridiculously large breasts and the telling grimaces of face lifts like one does in California (the Southern part in particular). The surgeons here in BCN seem to have a reasonable boob size limit, as I have seen in the gym locker room, which has been to your advantage. But it’s something else you all are doing that isn’t doing you any favors, to put it mildly.

You see, I’m not sure I see the enhancing value of the lip implants you all are getting. Perhaps these are the only remedy for the deep, vertical troughs around your mouth from the decades of smoking and sun over exposure.  But while these implants raise and stretch smooth the skin of the lips, they also raise and stretch the skin all around the mouth as well. This creates a giant, frightening clown mouth. Especially when you outline it in dark red or even brown lip pencil. This oversized mouth, along with the untreated deep wrinkles on your cheeks, foreheads and around your eyes, well, it just isn’t cohesive. Especially when you are pushing 65.

Maybe you should invest some of the clown mouth money in some Botox and a few facial peels or micro-dermabrasion first, heck even a mini-lift, and see how that goes first. Just a suggestion.

With love,

Me